Never Rely On The Kindness Of Strangers
I know how I got here. I know the road intimately. Every crack, pothole, blind curve, and speed trap. I share in the responsibility of my demise. Look me in the eye. Tell me you are not to blame.
My Ford, she was a bitch on wheels, not unlike her owner. My Ford, Found On Road Dead, Found On Redneck’s Driveway, Fucker Only Runs Downhill, left me stranded.
I’m no stranger to being stuck and homeless. No stranger to upturned noses, bullying cops, strangers in the shadows, and wondering the motive of every person I meet. Human kindness turns to myth. The only savior is the person standing in your shoes.
Snow in Vegas. Do you know when it was? The last time it snowed in Vegas? I didn’t. I had to ask. Five years. Five fucking years. I’m not surprised. This kind of shit happens all the time. Just pissed. I welcome the anger; it keeps the despair at bay.
On the night before it snowed I kept my boyfriend, and by proximity my dog and I, warm by starting a small fire made of dry grass and pinecones. My fear kept extinguishing the flames. Not wanting any unwanted visitors; the badge-wearing, feigning any kind of emotion, handcuff bearing kind. Believing at least one of us should escape this hell for a short while, I kept restarting the life-saving spotlight of warmth.
That was night four of no sleep. Nights one and three had us trying to keep just out of sight of airport security. We were successful until we weren’t. The last warning came with a threat of incarceration. Not a fan. Though it is warmer.
I have no memory of where we spent night two.
Back to night four as it turns to day five. We were in a literal gutter. The irony was actually lost on me until this moment. Irony loses its meaning in the face of bone-chilling cold. We took our time gathering all of our worldly possessions. Daylight makes us brave, we cowards by moonlight.
We agreed on our goal for the day. Warmth and a roof. To attain that goal, I needed a few more battery bars on my Wi-Fi-only cell phone. To the casinos, we must go. Awesome.
My excitement at feeling totally conspicuous was almost uncontainable. Dirty hair hid in a hat. Hole in your pants covered with a crossed leg. Dirty fingernails clenched into a fist. Begging broke family members, who have heard all your sob stories, for non-existent cash. Tears falling onto flashing jingling slot machines, who have also heard your sob stories before; coming from different lips.
“Please mom, please don’t worry about me. I will be fine. I’ll figure it out. You know me. There’s always a way through.” Words falling from my lips with no meaning. Finally, the jackpot, my best friend from back home, took pity on me.
Armed with just enough money to book a room, I headed out into the wind and the cold. Doober Doo and my boyfriend too were waiting, not too patiently. The look on my boyfriend’s face caused my heart to pause. Anger rose rapidly and righteously. His frozen plight paled in the face of my groveling to friends and family.
“What the fuck have you been doing?!” “What the fuck do you think I’ve been doing?!”
I go onto the app of hope, looking for the cheapest lodging available. Howard Johnson. I hesitate. My gut tells me something is wrong with this decision. Unfortunately, I ignore my intuition. This path is hard and smooth; polished with the soles of my feet.
Room booked, we first feed our nicotine-depleted bodies with the last of the money, then head to the hotel. Our minds are already in the room. I pick up Doober Doo, his excitement causing me to laugh out loud. He sniffs out every corner and crevice, over and under every chair and bed. Doober gives his approval with excited licks all over my face. He does the happy dance next to me while I smile, sleep dragging me down encased in warmth.
Reluctantly, my attention returns to the task at hand. Time to go check-in. Kissing my boyfriend, I head toward the front office. A growing uneasiness begins its invasion. Being a common emotion while performing this task, it is easily dismissed.
The pandemic has me waiting out in the cold. I have two spots ahead of me. One spot before I can be warm and one spot before I can check-in. Why must you accompany your girlfriend at check-in? Unfriendly thoughts twirl in my head. Violence accompanies some of them. Exhaustion and frozen brain cells allow these normally repressed thoughts free rein.
I’m facing the only barrier to comfort and warmth. I handed her the card I booked the room with. The same card I always use. The same card that is always accepted.
“I’m sorry. Do you have another card? We don’t accept this one.” My world tilts. “This is the only one I have. It’s accepted everywhere.” Panic and unleashed tears cause a tremble in my voice. “Sorry, not here. If you don’t have another card, you can leave a $100 deposit.” Said as if this was an actual choice. “Please, I have no other money. Please, can you waive the fee? If you don’t let me check in I will be on the streets for a fifth night. Please, I’m freezing.” Tears are now running unchecked down my face. Being treated like I have no value, though common, remains incomprehensible.
I realize she is not going to allow me to check in. It takes days for a refund. She knows this and does not care. I know she has the power to waive this fee but is afraid of the blow-back. My vision blurs. I see red.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” rage has ironed out the tremble. I am heard loud and clear, “You will sit in this warm office, then get into a warm form of transportation right before entering your warm apartment where you can rest in comfort.” I paused because I saw the casual indifference stamped across her face. “You won’t give me two thoughts after I leave this office. Have a great fucking night!”
I am so angry I storm right past my bewildered boyfriend. The look of, I thought we had a room what the fuck happened now, was too much. My thought patterns were in disarray. My priority was getting us under a roof. I will not quit. I will fight a losing battle to the very end. This is not an attribute.
Something was breaking deep inside. I could physically feel it. It was kinda like indigestion. Indigestion of the soul. My faith in humanity, already at an all-time low, was being dealt another blow. I felt a tear. That became bigger after I was disconnected by the always helpful, outsourced customer service representatives who kept playing hot potato with my dilemma.
I wanted to cry and have my boyfriend hold me and tell me we would be alright. My world completely shattered when in his highly dangerous quiet rage he whispered, “I hope he was worth it. Do you have any money left?”
I could not grasp any meaning in the words I was hearing. His accusations were so far from any reality I was experiencing. They struck me dumb.
I can’t narrate the rest of the conversation. It was ugly and was devastating to my psyche. I love this man who bears no semblance to the enraged person who stood before me that night. He left me in a parking lot. In a fetal position. My world was suddenly uninhabitable.
I shattered. The pieces sparkling in the cold moonlight. Feeling a rage I never knew could exist. Anger alone always felt foreign, but this, this was different. Has this world been so desensitized by misinformation and the constant despair our media throws at us every minute of every day? Where are we heading as a society if our fellow man’s distress barely registers as a blip on our compassion radar? At that moment, I hated the entire world and wished it would burn.
I wish I could say that was the end of my night, but it was not. My boyfriend eventually came back. When he did, I was numb. My defense system had finally kicked in. I just looked at him and, with a once again shaky voice, said, “Please don’t leave me again.” And he didn’t.
We laid out a hammock cover. Which was all we had. I tried to put on all the clothes I had. It still was not enough. I was so tired I fell asleep freezing, with snow flurries floating in the air. At least three times that night, I woke up screaming. I was so cold that in my dream state; I thought the cold was a nightmare. The scream came when I realized it was, in fact, my reality.
I reluctantly opened my eyes when morning arrived. Despite my reluctance, I greeted the new day with a smile and a new resolve. I would never feel the way I had the night before. Ever. I looked at my boyfriend loving him, not despite his many faults, but because of them. Who are we without our faults? I will never give my power away by changing who I am in the face of adversity.
I love life. Beauty is everywhere. Sometimes it is just harder to find. I am the queen of silver linings and I will always find the lesson in every situation.
Since that night I have never been cold again.
